"Bloopy" Feelings

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My daughter, Kim (9), is generally loving, happy, social and very active. As described in earlier posts, her ADHD presents itself in her talkativeness and her inability to stand still. She has been taking medication for her ADHD for a couple of years now.

Very often, especially in the evenings, she can break down into tears with little cause and little understanding. At bed time, she can have a bad case of "the blues", feeling choked up and sad without a clear reason why. We are not sure if these moments are early indications of depression, which have a high rate of coexistence or "comorbidty" with ADHD. Dawn, Kim's Mom, has been dealing with depression over the years. Alternatively, she may just be "crashing" as the effects of her ADHD medication(stimulants) wear off.

Lately she has put a label to these feelings - "Bloopy". My wife, Dawn, and Kim are putting together a children's book, where Kim can express how she feels, in a comfortable and creative environment. We will continue to encourage her to express herself through the book. If and when she completes it I will talk to Kim about sharing it here. Maybe another child is feeling bloopy and would be reassured knowing that he or she is not alone.

Until then...
- Peace

Name Changes

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Just a quick note to the readers of this blog. I am sorry to change gears a little here. The kids names have been changed to ficticious ones.

I had weighed using alternative names since the beginning. Not using any names seemed unnatural. I was tripping over the idea of using "fake" names. I felt that using their real names was closest to my heart and knew that eventually I would have to discuss this with the kids.

The school's psychologist, "Dr. P.", had independently found the blog within the three weeks since its inception. He expressed concerns for the well-being of the kids, should their peers find the blog and recognize the kids.

Therefore, in order to protect the kids, we are using alternative names. All previous posts have been changed. My apologies for the confusion. Please welcome "Kim" and "PJ".

Thanks so much for all the wonderful feedback you have been sending my way!

The Power of Choice

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We have changed direction a little lately. As mentioned in earlier posts, our son was having increasing difficulties with school. His ADHD was getting the best of him. PJ was reaching his limits with how many reprimands he could face each week. His spirit was at an all-time low.

Strict discipline was not working. It only seemed to shut down communication and showed itself as anger from all involved. After one particularly horrible night, I decided that the circus was over. We tried being more supportive, loving and encouraging. No more tug-of-wars over going to school each morning. We explained why it was important, offered rewards for going and explained restrictions if he didn’t.

In recent meetings with his school’s principal, vice-principal, psychologist and several of PJ’s teachers, I challenged them all to reach beyond their understanding of ADHD. We asked that they help PJ, through encouragement and support, rather than constant reprimands for his impulsivity. The principal made it clear that they were being understanding and that PJ had gotten off easy for his behaviors. For the second time, we suggested that maybe dealing with this was beyond reasonable expectations for the school and its staff. They insisted that they wanted PJ in the school and felt they could be of help.

In the following weeks, things got worse. PJ’s breaking point came when he told us through tears, that he just wants to be normal and that normal kids don’t get “written up” 5 times in one week. We assured PJ that he didn’t have to worry about Dawn and me getting upset over the school issues. We told him that he deserves to be happy and that he doesn’t have to worry about breaking the bad news of the day to us on top of everything else. We stopped pressuring him to go to school if he was having an anxiety moment getting ready in the morning. The school was clearly not helping.

Dawn was concerned. “He has to get to school! He’ll get left back!” I assured Dawn that right now, school was the least of our worries. PJ’s self-esteem and confidence were gone. He was in a depression-like state. There was more at risk for his mental health than was at risk for his academics.

Yesterday morning, PJ announced that he wasn’t going back to school. Considering what he had been going through, I could not blame him. I told him that it’s his choice and that was fine. (I know what you’re thinking – “who in their right mind would allow their 11 year old decide he wasn’t going to school?”. It needed to be done – read on!)

I continued to explain that it might be best for him to tough it out for the remaining three months of school. Then, PJ would be in a new school, entering 7th grade. I told him although it was OK that he did not want to go back, we would have to work out some other school or program, as he was legally required to stay in some form of education. I also warned him that, due to his numerous absences and time that would be lost transitioning into another school, he would likely have to repeat the 6th grade. I left the decision up to him. His choice. No tug-of-war. You can’t have a tug-of-war if no one is pulling on the other end.

PJ decided that he did not want to have to repeat the year. He chose to go back to school. This morning, I asked again what he decided and if he was sure. He confirmed that he wanted to go to school. Dawn called a little while ago – he went right in with no problems.

The power of choice can be an amazing thing. No one likes to have things forced upon them. We all like to feel that we are having some control over where we are going and what we do. I realize that this is not the end – just a great day.

- Peace

Teaching Your Child to Develop a Plan

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We’ve all heard the adage – “If we fail to plan, we plan to fail”. For a child with ADHD, who is living in the moment, this warning is especially true.

One of the negative aspects of ADHD is our distorted perception of time. The bad times seem to last a lifetime, while the good times seem to disappear in the blink of an eye. We have our moments of intense focus on some narrow topic or issue and then we have moments where days, weeks, and months disappear in everyday distractions.

Almost any survey looking for the common behaviors of successful individuals or organizations seems to touch on the effect that planning can have on meeting our short and long term goals. Almost invariably having a clear plan or vision is a key starting point in successful endeavors.

That’s great – but what does that really mean? I have had opportunities, in working with our kids on elaborate projects, to see just how effective a plan can be with someone overwhelmed by their ADHD tendencies. These are strategies developed through business experiences that warranted detailed planning to ensure that goals were met on time and important details were not lost along the way. The concepts were powerful, but still very simple. Teaching my kids to use these techniques can take “I quit!” projects to “I’m done a week early!” very easily.

Clear the decks! The first step involves no attempts to make progress on the project itself. Take that pressure off yourself or your child. Instead, we will just brainstorm.

Get out some pads, a clean calendar and any materials that may help us understand what the project is, such as an assignment sheet. Break the overall project into the mini-steps involved:

· Select topic
· Do background research
· Go to library/internet for detailed research
· Prep Item #1
· Prep Item #2
· Prep Item #3
· Typing
· Artwork
· Bibliography
· Table of contents
· Covers
· Final assembly

Obviously, the above list is just one example of possible subtopics. It should be broken down into steps that would take less than an hour to complete or could be completed in one or two sittings.

Now, using the list above, estimate how long each step should take. BE GENEROUS with the allotted time. It is much more encouraging to complete steps within the planned time, rather than for your child to feel a tsunami building behind them as they are losing time each day.

Using the calendar, drop notes into the available days, showing what can be completed each day, allowing for other homework, after-school activities and leaving an occasional day open. Ideally, you would have plenty of extra days before the project’s due date. It is important for the child to understand that if needed, some of those free and extra days may be needed if we fall behind or if surprises arise. Monitor the schedule throughout the project to determine if adjustments need to be made.

This method is simple, yet can be a great tool even as he or she enters into their post-school years and is working. I have used this method to plan anything from a school project, planning a complicated Thanksgiving meal to staff scheduling for a multi-million dollar accounting practice.

Teach your child that with a plan, the most daunting tasks can be overcome. Hopefully, they will make the leap to planning a very successful life.

Adult ADHD on the Job

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Adults dealing with ADHD have their challenges. Many of the basic skills that are needed to maintain a stable and secure life can be evasive for the adult with ADHD. Long-term relationships can be difficult to keep going. Controlling our impulsivity, so as not to be always living in the moment, can take a concerted effort. This effects everything from saving for rainy days to staying on top of mundane home routines. One of the greatest impacts of adult ADHD is often on work.

When we walk out the door for work each morning, tiptoeing behind us, in our shadows, is that pesky ADHD. Often that walk out the door is 10-15 minutes behind schedule, since we couldn't find our keys, wallets and pocketbooks right away. Next, when we are about a mile away from the house, we realize we forgot something - back to the house. Now, finally, we are at the office. Some mornings it is straight into ultra-performance. Often, we are losing time with various distractions. Intending to work right away on that client project, all too often several hours pass - Coffee? check!, E-mail? check!, Weather report for the weekend? check!, Quick call home to check in? check! - before we realize it's almost noon.

Very often, I find I can lose days with distractions (Twitter much?) then when faced with a near-impossible approaching deadline, work with super intense focus for back to back 20 hour days, to just wrap up in time. Am I bragging? No. I wouldn't recommend this approach to anyone. It is stressful, doesn't leave much of a margin for error and doesn't always create the best result.

To help with adult ADHD, adapt your work routine and environment to what works best for you. Personally, I know that my thoughts are razor sharp at 2, 3 or 4 AM - ideas and important memories come to me in a rapid, but controlled flood. By 8 PM I am mentally like mush, in that I process slower and am more easily distracted away from my work. The lesson for me is sleeping 2-3 hours and then starting work very early is more productive and comfortable for me, when dealing with extra time that is needed.

If I am conscious of not being able to focus on my work, music, particularly Mozart, can add a rhythm to my thoughts that keep me on track. What was next to impossible a minute earlier can be turned on like a light switch with music. This works for kids too. My daughter (9) and son (11) are very quick to put on music - yes, even classical - to help keep their focus.

These routines work for me, but we are all different. Try different routines if you can. You won't shut down your adult ADHD, but by experimenting with different environments, you can minimize the negative aspects and work in your "zone" using that wonderful ADHD intelligence and creative resourcefulness you have!

- Peace

A Breakthrough!

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As PJ has been having difficulties with anxiety leaving for school in the morning and has expressed more of a reluctance to socialize with kids his age, we decided that a new approach was needed. My wife Dawn had arranged an interview for PJ with the director of a summer camp that specializes in helping kids with social difficulties related to ADHD, Asperger's and LD's. That was the easy step. Now, how do we get PJ to go? It meant a couple of anxiety nurturing hours of travel to meet the director. Additionally, PJ had been stubbornly resistant to working with a counselor or therapist, other than his psychiatrist who he sees regularly for his meds. I was sure he would not get in the car with Dawn, or worse yet, he would take off from her once outside the director's apartment in Manhattan.

I had spoken with PJ in the days before. We discussed how he wasn't exactly happy and that this was a chance to meet someone who might be able to help him in dealing with ADHD and the other resulting conditions. I appealed to him that the only challenge was meeting someone, putting his hand out and saying "Hello, I'm PJ- nice to meet you." There was no discussion yet that this was about a possible 6 weeks away from home.

I was surprised! He was receptive and said that he would do it. Promises of a stop at Nintendo World didn't hurt. But I knew he wasn't in the car yet. Sure enough, the night before he said he changed his mind - he did not want to go.

I explained to PJ that he had agreed and we had committed to meeting this person, tying up the director's weekend. After much back and forth, PJ relented. Again, I knew this was not a done deal yet.

The next day, I was at work and expecting the phone call to come. I called Dawn many times that day. "Is he getting ready?" "Is he still on board?" "You're on the train?" So far so good. To my surprise, the appointed time came. It was 10 minutes past the appointment time and no phone call! Could this be it or has she been chasing him around NYC for the past 15 minutes?

An hour later I checked in. He did it! The appointment went well. PJ was polite and spoke openly with the director. He had finally made a concerted effort to reach out and be receptive to some possible help. This was big!

As it turned out, the director felt that the camp was not as well suited to PJ's needs as we had hoped. He recommended another camp that he felt would be helpful.

That's OK. This was a very successful day!

An Impulsively Passionate Life with ADHD

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So far, my posts are showing a very dark side to ADHD. Time for a bit of a lift!

The ADHD/Hunter type of person can also be a bit of fun. Impulsivity used properly can add quite a bit of spice to life. Just a few examples:

There was the time my wife, our two young kids and I walked into a store for winter gloves for the kids and left with rental skis and plans for a weekend trip to go skiing the next day. This was the kids’ first time on the slopes and my first time in close to 20 years. What a ball! None of us will forget that trip. Thank you ADHD!

How about the time that I came to realize that I missed the feeling of being at the beach? I grew up on the south shore of Long Island. We spent a ton of time on the water and at the beautiful beaches. But now, the demands of life made it that I only would see the beach for five minutes every other winter. ADHD to the rescue! Off to the surf shop! Surfboards and wetsuits for all! We started our routine of watching the sunrise over a cup of coffee at 5 or 6 AM on the beach and playing in the surf. Home by 9AM – energized and ready for a productive day.

I was at a fundraiser dinner. They had a “silent” auction. You walk around and look at the auction items and write down your bid on a list. Throughout the night you can check the bids and can outbid the last. I overheard a family member saying how she would love to win the auction for a house on Fire Island for a week. ADHD handed me my cape and – Presto! – I outbid everyone on the house. I really couldn’t afford it, but it was fun and exciting. It became the adventure of a lifetime. We ended up with over 20 family members for the weekend in the house to celebrate my father’s birthday. Since there are no cars on Fire Island, getting supplies for 20 for the weekend meant having to shuttle everything by boat and little red wagons.

ADHD can help create some very exciting moments. Impulsivity can be the spark that makes for choosing the path less traveled. Kept under control, the impulsivity of ADHD can help you live a passionate life.

Celebrate your ADHD!

Dad Goes Under the Bus

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"You can't expose your kids to analysis in a public forum, while you hide behind a keyboard." This thought has been creeping up on me the past few days. I expect this will be uncomfortable and at the same time cathartic.

So into the barrel I go …

In my early days, I was that kid that was always being told how bright I was. From the age of 5 or 6, people expected that I was going places! Big things were in my future! By the 6^th grade, things were starting to slip. Come Junior High School, grades were dropping here and there. In High School, my grades were in freefall. Attendance was becoming spotty. The straight A student was now failing in classes, spending his time "hanging-out" and in detention, once found.

"You really should apply yourself." "You're just being lazy." "You need to try harder." Words. Words from well-meaning people. Words from teachers and school officials. Words from loving family. Just words. We did not know then, but these words to someone dealing with ADHD were the equivalent of telling a deaf person that he/she is not listening. It's like telling someone with clinical depression to be happy. Although well-meaning, I had no idea what to do with these labels and suggestions. Two failed attempts at college created more labels: "textbook, classic, underachiever". After a time, we tend to wear the cloaks we are given.

I spent those teen and young adult years self-medicating. I was involved in too many accidents involving "spirited" driving. It got to the point where I wouldn't leave the house in the morning until I spent a few minutes enjoying the "high" life. Wasted time and money. Reckless behavior. After many years of this I decided that I had too many lost experiences like not noticing a 50 foot Godzilla on the concert stage. Too many lost licenses. Having to pay court and legal fees and then paying someone to drive you around all day for your job.

I hit bottom.

It was the late 80's and early 90's. I had recently gotten back together with and married my first real girlfriend from High School. The economy was week and was effecting the company I worked for. I decided that there wouldn't be a better time to quit my job as a project manager for a home remodeler and go back to school. This time around it was different.

School went well. I was heading towards an accounting degree. I began an internship with a firm while attending school. Now I was hitting my stride. I worked 35 hours a week while taking 18 credits. I filled every slot for summer classes and winter session classes. Going on 2 hours of sleep a night, I completed college, receiving awards for merit. Shortly after, I passed what is considered to be the second most difficult exam in the U.S... I am currently working close to 120 hours a week as a financial consultant, serving clients around the world.

Lazy. Underachiever. Maybe not.

This doesn't mean that I've beaten ADHD or outgrew ADHD. I still trip over it regularly. ADHD still hurts relationships with others. Very often, something as simple as a relatively easy phone call, or letter, or required document will become insurmountable. Easy, yet impossible. Chris – 0, Procrastination – 100. My impulsivity can take over at times. I could walk into a conversation telling myself, "do not talk about Topic A!", only to find myself driving right into it. I have offended people with statements I have made, while intending no offense whatsoever. This includes loved ones, co-workers and clients. Not good. Impulsive buying – that one's too frightening too even go into – I'll have to build up to that one some other time.

On the upside, I know that ADHD also provides some very positive qualities. I am intelligent, creative/artistic, loving, generous and intuitive. Life with ADHD is challenging, but in my heart I think the good outweighs the bad – as long as you can overcome the bad.

Peace

Many Shades of Gray

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Kim's ADHD is different than PJ's. As is the case with many girls, she presents her ADHD in excessive talking, constant movement to burn off her energy and difficulty in focusing.

With PJ, his ADHD presents itself most often with impulsivity and inappropriate behavior. As these kinds of behaviors tend to be more common with boys who have ADHD, they find themselves in trouble more. This, in part, explains why more boys were diagnosed with ADHD in the past. The girls flew under the radar and often went undiagnosed.

PJ’s focus component is hard to determine at times. PJ could be thoroughly engrossed in detailed drawing while his mother would read a book to him – something complex, like “Harry Potter”. It would frustrate her to feel that she was reading to him and he wasn’t even listening. Yet when she would check if he was getting the details, he never missed a point, a relationship or the finest details.

Hmm – I recall doodling my way all through high school – maybe a little needed extra stimulus to allow us to sit quietly and focus? (Note to Teachers: Maybe doodling is not the worst thing for your ADHD student to be doing, if it helps them. Some of PJ's teachers have gotten that and lived to tell!)

There are other moments when PJ would look you straight in the eye: “Yes please! I would like a bagel for breakfast!” – only to be heartbroken when you actually placed it in front of him. He talked the talk, but never heard a word.

Everyone is different. Things like ADD/ADHD, Autism and Asperger's Syndrome all come in many shades of gray. We have to be careful to treat the various presentations of these conditions individually, instead of pigeon-holing a person based on their label. Kim's needs and PJ's needs are drastically different and although difficult, we must address them differently.

The Unfair (Dis)Advantage

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Time to meet my daughter!

Kim has grown up trailing her brother, PJ, by about two and a half years. The kids have the typical first child/youngest child issues: "Why does he get to stay up 15 minutes more?", "She gets away with everything!".

With some of the challenges ADHD presents, it takes some additional turns. As described in recent posts, PJ has had difficulty facing his school day. Kim has had to watch her brother be the center of attention in our efforts to get him to school. It makes no sense to her that her brother should receive rewards for just going to school, when she does it every day. Why should PJ be praised for clearing his plate and glass, when she cleared half the table and started the dishwasher? We want PJ to feel the positive reinforcement, but it does not always make sense to Kim.

Where PJ has become more withdrawn, Kim is a social butterfly. She is always playing a couple of sports at a time. Participate enough and you’ll win a couple. She has received awards for poster contests, soccer, basketball and karate. We are always conscious of the effect on PJ when Kim has another award ceremony and we are showering her with congratulations. It’s not fair to tone down her praise at those moments for PJ’s sake. At the same time, Kim is less and less interested in joining in those celebrations and you can see the resentment festering. PJ too has seen his trophies for soccer and karate, but in PJ’s eyes, they are from a lifetime away and ended disappointingly.

It is not easy raising two ADHD kids. At times the inequities between them seem huge. Deep down they love each other and try to comfort each other when needed. Hopefully, the love and support they share will grow faster than any resentment they hold.

- Peace

Hunter in a Farmer's World

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So far I've given you a sense as to what a typical day can be like in our home. Today I'd like to explain why this blog is titled "Hunter in a Farmer's World".

Let me start off by saying that I am sure I will not do this true justice and the person who had coined the phrase is Thom Hartmann. This blog's header has a link to a page in Thom's site. I highly encourage anyone dealing with ADHD or interested in the topic to read his book, Thom Hartmann’s Complete Guide to ADHD. I have not met Thom. I receive no personal financial benefit from recommending Thom, his website or his books.

I have ADHD, as do my son (11) and daughter (9). I have done a tremendous amount of reading on the topic to understand the obstacles that I have faced all my life and that my children are haunted by today. Thom's description of ADHD is presented as a hunter living in a farmer's world.

About 7,000 to 10,000 years ago, cultures began their transition from Hunters/Gatherers to Farmers. They recognized the efficiency of producing their food rather than searching for it. At the time, the Hunter would need to chase down its food. If the Hunter's keen eye saw a squirrel, it was time to drop everything and launch into the hunt. While chasing the squirrel, if a boar presented itself, the Hunter would have to quickly change gears, leaving the squirrel and pursuing the boar. Oh look! A deer! and so on.

The ability to quickly abandon one thought and change direction into another was rewarded with better food and longer, healthier life. After the kill, all work would stop while the Hunter enjoyed their rewards, eating and resting. At some point, most likely days later, it would be time for the next hunt.

Now contrast that with the Farmer. The Farmer's routine was one of methodical, daily, patient work towards a distant goal of the harvest. The Farmer who had the mental aptitude of doing the same routine task, day in and day out, good weather or bad, was the one who thrived. Patient, repetitive tasks of nurturing crops assured the best harvest and the healthiest Farmer. The Farmer would not be distracted by the activity around him. He had work to do and would be rewarded by his narrow focus.

Enter the time machine - move forward to the year 2000 A.D. The bulk of our society is found working in an environment of daily constrained thought and processes. The ability to focus on moving that stack of paper from one bin to another is often regarded as the "hard worker". This kind of work is the equivalent of torture to the ADHD individual. School's that expect children to sit quietly and plod through hours of routine work are not the place where an ADHD child can thrive.

Commonly, someone with ADHD is intelligent, loving, resourceful and artistic. Estimates are that approximately 1-in-10 has ADHD. We may not fit the typical perception of how children and adults should operate. Thankfully, many of today's best companies recognize that creative employees who are given much latitude in the work environment can make for tremendous assets in their teams. Opportunities to free-form ideas and to work in non-traditional environments are exploding with positive results. One such example can be found in an article by Fortune on Zappos.com ( http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/15/news/companies/Zappos_best_companies_obrien.fortune/index.htm ).

Once again I would like to acknowledge Thom Hartmann for painting ADHD in a way that is clear and closely resembles the reality faced from within.

Where did everyone go?

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When we first determined that our son had ADHD, we took an aggressive approach to the situation - denial wasn't our style. We sought the best medical advice we could get. We immersed ourselves in every book, magazine and web site having anything to do with ADHD and ADD.

Almost everyone has heard the debate on whether or not to use medication. Our doctor had advised that any side effects of the medication, such as weight loss, would be far outweighed by one critical concern. The doctor expressed concern that our sons impulsive behaviour would not only get him in trouble with his school teachers and administrators, but would also have the potential for him to be ostracized by his peers/friends.

We went the medication route and over time found the right meds, dosage and timing for our son. Having ADHD myself, I have taken medication also and can state, without hesitation, that my thoughts and actions are clearer, calmer, less distracted and less impulsive.

We have had times where our son has had to go without his meds. At those times, invariably, a new person comes out: completely out of control with bizarre interactions with others. At the end of those days, my son is generally remorseful and cannot wait to have his medication the next day.

Even with the benefit of the medication, school and relationships with friends have suffered.

Although school administrators have expressed patience and an understanding with the situation, that does not always make it all the way to the teaching staff. Teachers see an extremely bright boy who can behave at times and therefore see our son as choosing to behave or not. Reporting that the child is impulsive or ill-behaved is the equivalent of saying "the blind boy still refuses to see".

Close friendships never seem to last more than a couple of years. Our son's sense of humor is intelligent and above his age-level. Teachers and counselor's see some very clever attempts at humor that other kids see as just "weird".

It is a beautiful day today on Long Island - a nice warm break from a bitter winter. Other kids are running around outside in shorts and T-shirts. My son is sitting in front of the computer. His play is "safe" there. He won't offend anyone. No one will reprimand him for his impulsivity. It seems that it gets harder and harder for him to risk reaching out to others.

We still press on looking for opportunities for him to have positive social experiences. ADHD runs in cycles - good times of the day and bad; good days/months/years and bad. Better days will come again.

Lesson Learned

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I am currently traveling in the Midwest for a little more than a week. I checked in at home this morning to find that my son would not go to school today. He was "tired".

To bring you up to speed quickly, my son is a gifted 6th grader, with ADHD. He has been struggling with mornings of anxiety, which in turn becomes "not feeling well" enough to go to school. This has occurred on and off for about 3 years. So far this school year he has missed 8 days.

Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that this is a matter of a "lack of discipline" or poor parenting by enabling parents, I can assure you it is neither. It is so real to him that he has gone as far as jumping out of a moving car on the way to school.

Threats of punishment have no impact at the time of the event. He is in another world when it is happening. Positive reinforcements and rewards can be of limited help.

My wife was at the end of her rope. We talked about how he should spend his day. He has been lagging in Math. I suggested that my wife have my son spend his day working on Math exercises and work around the house, particularly cleaning bathrooms. I spoke with him and told him that it was fine that he was home, but that he was going to either learn to study or learn to work.

A call to my wife later brought good news. After cleaning the two bathrooms on his hands and knees and vacuuming the second floor of the house, he told my wife that he wanted to lay down. She reminded him that there was still a great deal of work to do. She also suggested that going to school was probably a bit easier then the work she had lined up for the day.

He made it to school in time for his Math class. Another day survived.