Dad Goes Under the Bus

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"You can't expose your kids to analysis in a public forum, while you hide behind a keyboard." This thought has been creeping up on me the past few days. I expect this will be uncomfortable and at the same time cathartic.

So into the barrel I go …

In my early days, I was that kid that was always being told how bright I was. From the age of 5 or 6, people expected that I was going places! Big things were in my future! By the 6^th grade, things were starting to slip. Come Junior High School, grades were dropping here and there. In High School, my grades were in freefall. Attendance was becoming spotty. The straight A student was now failing in classes, spending his time "hanging-out" and in detention, once found.

"You really should apply yourself." "You're just being lazy." "You need to try harder." Words. Words from well-meaning people. Words from teachers and school officials. Words from loving family. Just words. We did not know then, but these words to someone dealing with ADHD were the equivalent of telling a deaf person that he/she is not listening. It's like telling someone with clinical depression to be happy. Although well-meaning, I had no idea what to do with these labels and suggestions. Two failed attempts at college created more labels: "textbook, classic, underachiever". After a time, we tend to wear the cloaks we are given.

I spent those teen and young adult years self-medicating. I was involved in too many accidents involving "spirited" driving. It got to the point where I wouldn't leave the house in the morning until I spent a few minutes enjoying the "high" life. Wasted time and money. Reckless behavior. After many years of this I decided that I had too many lost experiences like not noticing a 50 foot Godzilla on the concert stage. Too many lost licenses. Having to pay court and legal fees and then paying someone to drive you around all day for your job.

I hit bottom.

It was the late 80's and early 90's. I had recently gotten back together with and married my first real girlfriend from High School. The economy was week and was effecting the company I worked for. I decided that there wouldn't be a better time to quit my job as a project manager for a home remodeler and go back to school. This time around it was different.

School went well. I was heading towards an accounting degree. I began an internship with a firm while attending school. Now I was hitting my stride. I worked 35 hours a week while taking 18 credits. I filled every slot for summer classes and winter session classes. Going on 2 hours of sleep a night, I completed college, receiving awards for merit. Shortly after, I passed what is considered to be the second most difficult exam in the U.S... I am currently working close to 120 hours a week as a financial consultant, serving clients around the world.

Lazy. Underachiever. Maybe not.

This doesn't mean that I've beaten ADHD or outgrew ADHD. I still trip over it regularly. ADHD still hurts relationships with others. Very often, something as simple as a relatively easy phone call, or letter, or required document will become insurmountable. Easy, yet impossible. Chris – 0, Procrastination – 100. My impulsivity can take over at times. I could walk into a conversation telling myself, "do not talk about Topic A!", only to find myself driving right into it. I have offended people with statements I have made, while intending no offense whatsoever. This includes loved ones, co-workers and clients. Not good. Impulsive buying – that one's too frightening too even go into – I'll have to build up to that one some other time.

On the upside, I know that ADHD also provides some very positive qualities. I am intelligent, creative/artistic, loving, generous and intuitive. Life with ADHD is challenging, but in my heart I think the good outweighs the bad – as long as you can overcome the bad.

Peace