There's No Checkbox For My ADHD Child

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What do you do when your ADHD child does not fit into someone's checklist?

We just had a meeting with our school district's Special Education committee. We had requested an evaluation for our son for an IEP, or Individualized Education Plan, due to his ADHD and Asperger's. As described in earlier posts, his ADHD and Asperger's have been interfering with his focus in school and hurting his relationships with peers and teachers alike.

PJ was put through a series of psychological and intelligence tests. His standardized results came back as someone with superior to very superior abilities, often ranking in the 98 and 99 percentiles. His ability to respond to instructions was relatively low. Put in terms of PJ's experience, he has some tremendous potential, yet he has had substantially lagging grades.

Remembering homework and bringing home books has been challenging to say the least. One of the benefits we were hoping to get for PJ was some additional monitoring or oversight in regard to these assignments.

At the IEP meeting, there were many present, including the school's principal and psychologist, PJ's main teacher, PJ's psychiatrist, individuals responsible for the testing, a chairperson from the school district, Dawn and myself. All participants seemed concerned for PJ. His attendance in school was getting worse and worse. Indications of depression were beginning to show.

When all the discussions and empathetic looks were over, it came down to this: "His support systems are great!", "He seems to be doing well!", "We should continue to monitor him"(insert look of concern here). To really make the committee's difficulty clear, we have "I don't even have a checkbox we could use for him in my state forms". Lastly we are given "You can always request this meeting again" (insert hopeful smile here). Wow. How is it that I was not overly surprised?

As the appointed day for the meeting was approaching, I had come to the recognition that we were somewhat on our own. There is no government sponsored public education system that was going to hold our hand and steer us towards the best possible situation for PJ. They are tuned into education for those within the bell curve - the "normals". I don't mean to imply that they don't try or that they don't care. They clearly do care and are working with what they have internally and externally. But in PJ's case, it's not enough.

As in many walks of life, you are your own best advocate. Don't wait for your child's educators to pat you on the fanny and send you off with a "success guarantee" tucked neatly in your pocket. We have found that our greatest tools are thinking outside the box and taking direct responsibility for the results.

Don't be locked down to conventional thinking for your child. Instead of trying to force your "round peg" child into a "square hole" world, look for and enhance their strengths.

PJ loves drawing, computer generated art and Flash animation. By 10 years old he had taught himself to design animated cartoons using Flash. He was also posting those animations online and getting great feedback from adult artists. When PJ says he wants to be a graphic artist or game designer, we don't ignore him. We look for ways to encourage him in his endeavors. What better way to find success than doing what you truly love.

Find what puts your ADHD child in "the zone". Give them the opportunities to find their life's vocation even if it's not what you would consider a traditional path for them.

To paraphrase a favorite movie, "We don't need no stinkin' checkboxes!"

- Peace

The Power of Choice

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We have changed direction a little lately. As mentioned in earlier posts, our son was having increasing difficulties with school. His ADHD was getting the best of him. PJ was reaching his limits with how many reprimands he could face each week. His spirit was at an all-time low.

Strict discipline was not working. It only seemed to shut down communication and showed itself as anger from all involved. After one particularly horrible night, I decided that the circus was over. We tried being more supportive, loving and encouraging. No more tug-of-wars over going to school each morning. We explained why it was important, offered rewards for going and explained restrictions if he didn’t.

In recent meetings with his school’s principal, vice-principal, psychologist and several of PJ’s teachers, I challenged them all to reach beyond their understanding of ADHD. We asked that they help PJ, through encouragement and support, rather than constant reprimands for his impulsivity. The principal made it clear that they were being understanding and that PJ had gotten off easy for his behaviors. For the second time, we suggested that maybe dealing with this was beyond reasonable expectations for the school and its staff. They insisted that they wanted PJ in the school and felt they could be of help.

In the following weeks, things got worse. PJ’s breaking point came when he told us through tears, that he just wants to be normal and that normal kids don’t get “written up” 5 times in one week. We assured PJ that he didn’t have to worry about Dawn and me getting upset over the school issues. We told him that he deserves to be happy and that he doesn’t have to worry about breaking the bad news of the day to us on top of everything else. We stopped pressuring him to go to school if he was having an anxiety moment getting ready in the morning. The school was clearly not helping.

Dawn was concerned. “He has to get to school! He’ll get left back!” I assured Dawn that right now, school was the least of our worries. PJ’s self-esteem and confidence were gone. He was in a depression-like state. There was more at risk for his mental health than was at risk for his academics.

Yesterday morning, PJ announced that he wasn’t going back to school. Considering what he had been going through, I could not blame him. I told him that it’s his choice and that was fine. (I know what you’re thinking – “who in their right mind would allow their 11 year old decide he wasn’t going to school?”. It needed to be done – read on!)

I continued to explain that it might be best for him to tough it out for the remaining three months of school. Then, PJ would be in a new school, entering 7th grade. I told him although it was OK that he did not want to go back, we would have to work out some other school or program, as he was legally required to stay in some form of education. I also warned him that, due to his numerous absences and time that would be lost transitioning into another school, he would likely have to repeat the 6th grade. I left the decision up to him. His choice. No tug-of-war. You can’t have a tug-of-war if no one is pulling on the other end.

PJ decided that he did not want to have to repeat the year. He chose to go back to school. This morning, I asked again what he decided and if he was sure. He confirmed that he wanted to go to school. Dawn called a little while ago – he went right in with no problems.

The power of choice can be an amazing thing. No one likes to have things forced upon them. We all like to feel that we are having some control over where we are going and what we do. I realize that this is not the end – just a great day.

- Peace

The Unfair (Dis)Advantage

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Time to meet my daughter!

Kim has grown up trailing her brother, PJ, by about two and a half years. The kids have the typical first child/youngest child issues: "Why does he get to stay up 15 minutes more?", "She gets away with everything!".

With some of the challenges ADHD presents, it takes some additional turns. As described in recent posts, PJ has had difficulty facing his school day. Kim has had to watch her brother be the center of attention in our efforts to get him to school. It makes no sense to her that her brother should receive rewards for just going to school, when she does it every day. Why should PJ be praised for clearing his plate and glass, when she cleared half the table and started the dishwasher? We want PJ to feel the positive reinforcement, but it does not always make sense to Kim.

Where PJ has become more withdrawn, Kim is a social butterfly. She is always playing a couple of sports at a time. Participate enough and you’ll win a couple. She has received awards for poster contests, soccer, basketball and karate. We are always conscious of the effect on PJ when Kim has another award ceremony and we are showering her with congratulations. It’s not fair to tone down her praise at those moments for PJ’s sake. At the same time, Kim is less and less interested in joining in those celebrations and you can see the resentment festering. PJ too has seen his trophies for soccer and karate, but in PJ’s eyes, they are from a lifetime away and ended disappointingly.

It is not easy raising two ADHD kids. At times the inequities between them seem huge. Deep down they love each other and try to comfort each other when needed. Hopefully, the love and support they share will grow faster than any resentment they hold.

- Peace